These past few days i had a headache that made me want to kill myself, i mean ,literally.
It was not like migraine, juste my head was really heavy, i just wanted to close my eyes but still like that i was in pain , day and night, stand up or lay down, it didn’t want to go away ….
It was hard to do anything ,so all the hard questions about life that i have in head were there, turning around me, trying to get answers but i don’t have the answers because if i had i would be happy and i’m not, i’m terribly unhappy ,sad ,lonely !!!
Life is so difficult sometimes, most of the time i can say, i don’t know how to be normal and just live, without asking me all these questions : why am i here? why am i an human being? what is the point of being alive? work? love? family? the society? why are we doing all these terrible things to each other? the planete? war? informations? the assholes? etc etc ……
I know, there is things we can enjoy, things or people who desserve to be living for but it’s not enough if everyday i’m fighting to get up and get ready for a new day. I’m really good to pretending and make fakes smiles .
Yes, we are a lot struggling with depression and it’s not easy but i’m not everyone, i’m me and this is different. I feel weird, i mean, i’m weird because i don’t feel and think like everyone else. It’s very hard to explain it with words but i’m gonna try, i think i need it !!!
Not now because it’s gonna take me so much time and i’m starting to feel better (just a little bit, enough to get dressed) ,don’t missundertand me, i’m not jumpng around and dancing with a big smile but my head doesn’t hurt that bad anymore and yesterday evening i went back to my kitchen and prepared a good meal for my diner. Food is the key to happiness so it was a good victory after four days drowning in my sadness !
For the record ,i went to see an osteopath to undertand my physical pain and she told me it was the stress and my fall two month ago who mess up with my body and especially my back, neck and head . Yes, the first week of january, i fell down during the night and hurt my head, my fronthead, very badly, went to the IR etc etc. This happen just a week after i quit my terrible job that i had during six month, i don’t want to enter into details but it was so hard emotionally and it hurted my sensible soul in a level that i didn’t know it until i stopped it, i mean i knew it was harmful because i cried a lot but i didn’t know it was so deep. It proves me that i don’t know how to adapt myself into this society, into a « normal life ». Working with human being it a real challenge for me and most of the time it’s a nightmare because i do not know how to be with people, i don’t really like human and i think they don’t like me either beacause they don’t undertand me.
This is crazy beacause i’m so inspire to write my bad moments down but i don’t have the strengh to do it, it’s to hard to get up and do anything, then when i feel a little bit better i don’t know how to explain how i was feeling back into my darkness, i know it doesn’t make sense. Let’s see with the next episode 😉